It's been such an interesting road to get me to were I am today. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad to say that I still have no idea where those road I'm on will take me. It came to the point this weekend that I knew it eventually would. I knew I couldn't fool everyone forever that I'm the happy bubbly girl all the time. I was bound to meet someone who would see through all the lies and fake smiles. That person, Cody, sat with me in the kitchen of my tiny Lindsay apartment and listened to my life problems and all my sob stories for 3 drunk hours while my roommates slept. He is such an amazing ad inspiring person. I'm happy I can call him one of my best friends. We joke around and i call him the brother I never wanted. But he truly is like a sibling to me. He is always there to pick me up when I fall and to remind me that there is beauty in everything around me even when I can't see it. I feel so honoured that I get to call him my friend. It's funny you know how you can meet someone and you have no idea the effect they will have on your life.
That being said this is also now the longest I have been single since i started seeing cj this time in grade 12. It's been 8 days and I still don't know how to be myself. I have been told by many people that i don't need a man that I'm better off single but the truth is I'm terrified. I hadn't had to be myself my true alone self in so long that I'm scared i don't even know who she is anymore. Shocking right? A young girl in college doesn't know who she is. But this is different. I know who I was and I think I know who I want to become. But the person I am at this very minute i don't know who she is supposed to be. But tomorrow when I get up to go to class i will follow the same routine i had for the previous 3 months and the previous 16 months of living away from home experience i have.
I will get up and feed my cat. I will get dressed and make breakfast, the breakfast part will be new. I will make my bed, pack my backpack for class and tie my shoes and walk to class. I won't paint on the fake smile, i won't pretend to feel happy if I'm not. I won't pretend to be okay to make others feel comfortable. I've done it for so long, living for others, it's time to start living for myself. I think that's the only way I can find out who I am and where this winding road is going to take me.
I met a boy while at the bar on Friday night. We have met before and he's friends with Cody. Hunter and i were dancing with our new friend Katie. Jimmy, cody's friend came over and asked me to dance. I obliged nervously not knowing what to expect, especially having only ever danced with a guy once. He didn't try to grind with me. I was astonished completely taken by surprise. He spun me around the dance floor. It was more fun than I have had in such a long time. I couldn't help but laugh when I would catch myself trying to lead and he wouldn't let me. Sometimes I need to be reminded I can't always be the boss. Even ceo's need to be looked after once in a while. I couldn't help but laugh when he elbowed my in the head when I tried to lead and he didn't know where I was going. Thinking about it now I'm still smiling. I had forgotten what it felt like to have so much fun and laugh so hard. It made me realize i don't need a man. I had fun at the bar with my friends. Yes some of them were male but not being in a relationship with any of them was so refreshing. I felt so free. I behaved the same way I would if I was in a relationship but I felt so much more free and alive. It was so nice to feel the warmth of the friends I have made and know how loved I am.
When I get up tomorrow I will start two new traditions. The jest will be to eat breakfast. I usually sleep in too late that i don't have time. The second will be to look in the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful. I will continue the second tradition until I reach the day when i believe. That's all for tonight. See you next time. Xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment