December 17, 2014

I've been home for a week today. When I'm at school I can sit around and count the number of days until things could get better, which would be the number of days until I would get to be home. My first three days home were painful. No one in my family got along, everything was just so chaotic. My mom and sister went to visit the breeder of two of our dogs, and to see our new puppy. when my sister found out I was getting a puppy she freaked out and caused a huge scene. It was absolutely ridiculous. I could have punched her.
She also takes a great joy in using the fact that our parents are paying for me to go to school and not her. They aren't paying for hers because she applied and did everything very sneaky and quietly until she could use it against everyone. It drives me crazy.
On the third day I hung out with my sister Nicole which was nice. We went and got our hair cut. And wrapped christmas presents for my dad's christmas party. It was at this point that I realized being at home was exactly what I needed.
I had my heart broken and then got to watch him flaunt his new floozy in my face. Every girls dream, right? Being at home for the holidays is very hard when two of my sisters are engaged with kids and happy little families, and my other sister has been with her boyfriend for over 2 years. Being the only one iin the family that is single especially at christmas is difficult.

Thats all for now. Time to go to work. Have a good day. Change a life, with a smile.

December 5, 2014- a whole new direction

It has been a few days since I've written anything. My initial reasoning for writing a blog was to keep track of my life, express myself without judgement, and rant without bothering anyone. I no longer want to head in that self centered direction. I want this blog to serve as a place where I can still write my thoughts but also make anyone who reads this feel like they aren't the only one going through "typical girl problems".

I have never truly understood why girls judge each other. I don't understand why girls are always trying to compete with each other over who has the best stuff, the most friends, the hottest boys, who get the most attention. Who wins in that? Everyone assumes that the girl with the best wins, but at the end of the day, I have been that girl and there has been nothing as exhausting in my life as trying to be that picture perfect image everyday. Coming home after a day of classes, I would just crash. My family and my roommates are the only ones who ever really saw me for who I am. I stopped being able to sleep at night because of all the stress. I gave up the competition. I chose to be myself for exactly who I am. Sounds easy, right? Being myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I had to first figure out who I was and then how to be myself in public. Instead of planning my outfits for school ahead of time, i would just grab whatever based on  how I was feeling when I first got up. These outfits quickly became simple combinations, the true me, simple and easy going. Most days I would either wear jeans and a hoodie or leggings and a cardigan. Most days rather than getting up early to make sure my hair and make up looked perfect, I decided I would shock people. The first time I chose not to wear make up to school, I also only brushed my hair because its naturally pretty straight, I had numerous people coming up to me to ask if I was okay, if I was sick. Basically what I got out of that was that I looked like garbage. At first I was shocked and a bit offended, then I realized these people had never seen what I truly look like, and everyone was shocked that I wouldn't wear make up.

The most interesting thing I discovered by my being completely myself was the number of girls around me that I noticed start to wear less make up and obsess less over their looks as well. Girls who I used to see walking through the halls who would generally look down and walk faster when we would make eye contact, I would try to make a serious conscious effort to talk to them and maybe I could help them feel included in things at school. No one deserves to feel like they don't belong. No one deserves to feel like they don't have friends or that they aren't good enough. Every single one of us is a gem. We are all different but we all have qualities that should be celebrated. These things that make each of us exclusively us should be broadcast to the world.

I am by no means perfect, we all have our flaws and quirks as much as our shining glories. The trick to life I think is, the celebration of all of those things. Who cares what other people think. The only time you need to worry about that is during a job interview, you need to convince them that exactly who they are looking for and that they need you. But out side a job interview, we should just be uniquely us.

I like everyone else still have my bad days. Those days where I don't want to get out of bed, those days when I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I like almost everyone else have things about my body and personality I wish I could change. The fact of the matter is that I try to conquer all of that. I roll out of bed and tell myself those demons are not going to win, not today not tomorrow not ever. I have decided to surround myself with people who love me for the me I really am. It may only be a small group of people, but as I've gotten older I have realized I don't need 100 friends worth a nickel, I would rather have 1 friend worth a loonie. I am lucky enough to have a few loonies in my life. I am thankful for everyday I get to spend with them.

Be truly you. Being you is the greatest gift you can give the world and yourself. I challenge you, no more painting on the fake smiles and pretending you are okay. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to yell, yell. Just be yourself. Be completely you, and don't be afraid to do it.

December 1, 2014

Today was a thrilling day. It started off exactly how I knew it would. I stayed in bed too long. When I got out of bed I tried my hardest to avoid the mirror. I got dressed and was almost ready to leave and finally checked my hair. It was fine. I didn't need to check. 

We went to class. He sat on the opposite side of the room, that i was thankful for. Hunter Cody and Sandra all sat around my table. I was dreading the group peer evaluation we had to complete. That would mean he and i would have to be so close. I didn't know how much of that i could bear. He sat right beside. That pretentious jerk. Right in hunters spot. I did my best to ignore him and not once did we make eye contact. I was almost successful and not dealing with him at all but when the peer eval was done he asked me about another project i was completing and how that was going. I quickly and sharply responded to his small talk questions. Before I knew it my hell was over. It was time for him to move back to his seat. As everyone began the shuffle he realized his seat was still taken. Before he could sit beside me Cody sat next to me. I have never been so pleased with a friend as I was in that exact moment. Cody made sure his group was never far from mine and he was monitoring my whole situation the entire time. When he noticed what was transpiring he diffused the situation. I was so grateful. 

Then class was really over. Hunter and I went to the learning commons at school to work on our maps. As we rounded he corner, my stomach dropped. There he was sitting with her. I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted to punch him and her and run home to my bed. I didn't do any of those things. I caught my head and shoulders start to drop. I quickly picked myself up, took a deep breath and marched right passed them. He proceeded to sit and work with her right there. Right in front of me. Just a week after telling me there was nothing going on between them. I find that very hard to believe.

I got my work done and went to visit with Mike Fraser. Needless o say I was not feeling very good about myself. How could he replace me that quickly. What had i done wrong. Why wasn't I, why aren't I good enough. I met with Mike and after talking with him I felt like my old self again. And I realized the answer to all of those questions. He replaced me that quickly because he thought he found something better. I didn't do anything wrong. I am good enough. I may not remember that with every tick of the clock but I am enough. I am enough for those people who love me. I am enough for myself. Which is all that really matters. 

After that i was in a great mood. I got so much accomplished in my day. 

There was a new development. One i never saw coming. A boy in my class started talking to me today. Initiating a conversation outside of school, outside of the classroom and outside of homework. He's a guy i never thought would. I'm slowly realizing I have more friends than I thought. Fleming has given me something i thought i had at home but I have come to realize I only had a blood family. Fleming has given me a second family, a second home. When I am with these people i realize that I love this place and i don't ever want to leave. I love the person I can be at his place and he person it forces me to be. I am a much better person because of fleming. I came here never knowing who I am or what I am supposed to do with my life. But since coming here I think my path, as twisted and turning as it is, is becoming more and more obvious to me.

November 30 2014

It's been such an interesting road to get me to were I am today. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad to say that I still have no idea where those road I'm on will take me. It came to the point this weekend that I knew it eventually would. I knew I couldn't fool everyone forever that I'm the happy bubbly girl all the time. I was bound to meet someone who would see through all the lies and fake smiles. That person, Cody, sat with me in the kitchen of my tiny Lindsay apartment and listened to my life problems and all my sob stories for 3 drunk hours while my roommates slept. He is such an amazing ad inspiring person. I'm happy I can call him one of my best friends. We joke around and i call him the brother I never wanted. But he truly is like a sibling to me. He is always there to pick me up when I fall and to remind me that there is beauty in everything around me even when I can't see it. I feel so honoured that I get to call him my friend. It's funny you know how you can meet someone and you have no idea the effect they will have on your life.
That being said this is also now the longest I have been single since i started seeing cj this time in grade 12. It's been 8 days and I still don't know how to be myself. I have been told by many people that i don't need a man that I'm better off single but the truth is I'm terrified. I hadn't had to be myself my true alone self in so long that I'm scared i don't even know who she is anymore. Shocking right? A young girl in college doesn't know who she is. But this is different. I know who I was and I think I know who I want to become. But the person I am at this very minute i don't know who she is supposed to be. But tomorrow when I get up to go to class i will follow the same routine i had for the previous 3 months and the previous 16 months of living away from home experience i have.
I will get up and feed my cat. I will get dressed and make breakfast, the breakfast part will be new. I will make my bed, pack my backpack for class and tie my shoes and walk to class. I won't paint on the fake smile, i won't pretend to feel happy if I'm not. I won't pretend to be okay to make others feel comfortable. I've done it for so long, living for others, it's time to start living for myself. I think that's the only way I can find out who I am and where this winding road is going to take me.
I met a boy while at the bar on Friday night. We have met before and he's friends with Cody. Hunter and i were dancing with our new friend Katie. Jimmy, cody's friend came over and asked me to dance. I obliged nervously not knowing what to expect, especially having only ever danced with a guy once. He didn't try to grind with me. I was astonished completely taken by surprise. He spun me around the dance floor. It was more fun than I have had in such a long time. I couldn't help but laugh when I would catch myself trying to lead and he wouldn't let me. Sometimes I need to be reminded I can't always be the boss. Even ceo's need to be looked after once in a while. I couldn't help but laugh when he elbowed my in the head when I tried to lead and he didn't know where I was going. Thinking about it now I'm still smiling. I had forgotten what it felt like to have so much fun and laugh so hard. It made me realize i don't need a man. I had fun at the bar with my friends. Yes some of them were male but not being in a relationship with any of them was so refreshing. I felt so free. I behaved the same way I would if I was in a relationship but I felt so much more free and alive. It was so nice to feel the warmth of the friends I have made and know how loved I am.
When I get up tomorrow I will start two new traditions. The jest will be to eat breakfast. I usually sleep in too late that i don't have time. The second will be to look in the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful. I will continue the second tradition until I reach the day when i believe. That's all for tonight. See you next time. Xoxo